I Stopped Going Out As I Couldn’t Afford to Pretend Everything

• Posted by Peony Magazine Jan 13 Filed in Other #mental health  #wellness  #Healing  #PeonyMagazine  #emotional burnout  42 views
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  There was a time when people knew me as the big time money spender.

  I was the person who didn’t think twice about spending. I could go out anytime, order what I wanted, help when needed. I carried myself with confidence, and from the outside, it looked like I had things figured out. I had a good career, a steady income, and a version of myself that felt reliable.

  Then life hit me in a way I never saw coming.

  Depression and anxiety slowly crept in, tied to problems I didn’t know how to face yet. What started as exhaustion became heaviness. What started as stress turned into days where simply getting up felt like a battle. I tried to push through, telling myself to be strong, to be grateful, to  keep going.

  But eventually, I broke. 

  I gave up my career during that season. At the time, it felt like the only way to survive. I thought rest would heal me, that stepping away would give me clarity. What I didn’t realize was how hard it would be to come back. 

  When I was finally ready to work again, the world felt different. Jobs were harder to get.  The offers were far from what I used to earn. I accepted what I could, telling myself it was temporary, that I just need to start somewhere.

  But money became my quiet, constant fear.

  The salary I received was only enough to pay my bills. Nothing more. Sometimes not even enough for a simple, decent meal. I remember standing in grocery aisles, calculating every penny, choosing what to put back.I stopped going out, not because I didn’t want to see people, but because I couldn’t afford to pretend everything was fine. 

  I couldn’t keep up anymore. 

  I couldn’t run to my siblings, they had their own families to take care of. I couldn’t run to my parents either. I knew that once they found out how bad things were, they would ask me to come home. And that time, I wasn’t ready. Going back felt like admitting failure, and I didn’t have the strength for that conversation yet.

  So I isolated myself.

  For months, I stayed quiet. I disappeared from gatherings, ignored messages, and spent a lot of time alone. Not because I didn’t love people, but because I didn’t know how to explain the version of myself I had become. I was trying to figure myself out in silence, hoping that if I stayed still long enough, things would make sense again. 

  That season humbled me in ways success never did.

  It taught me how fragile confidence can be. How quickly identity can fall apart when it’s tied only to achievement. It forced me to sit with my fears, my shame, and my grief for the life I once had. 

  Stepping out of my comfort zone didn’t look brave back then. It looked like showing up to work even when I felt small. It looked like eating simple meals without complaint. It looked like choosing to stay, even when running away felt easier.

  Slowly, I learned compassion for myself.

  I learned that beginning again doesn’t always come with excitement. Sometimes it comes quietly, with tired eyes and shaky hope. Sometimes courage is not  about bold moves, but about choosing not to give up on yourself, even when everything feels uncertain.

  More: https://peonymagazine.com/wellness/stopped-going-out-couldnt-pretend-fine/